what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
