Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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