I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
