My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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