Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
