I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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