rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I believe in your delicious
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
