I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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