tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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