Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize