Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
