ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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