READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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