You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
