If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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