Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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