Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the condom got lost in my hair
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
