If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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