That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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