3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
there is glitter all over my balls
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