A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
PANTIES FOUND
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