so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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