my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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