i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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