why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
