who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
time to smoke my breakfast
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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