Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
