I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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