Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You don't make any sense
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