Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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