your parents love me but you hate me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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