I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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