I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
