i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They have beer where we have blood.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
