pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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