I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
