yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
