I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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