super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
True strength comes from lack of pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
