i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
