My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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