Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
