We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
