This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
