I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
