you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
