Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
