There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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