Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
