The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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