Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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