Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
