My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
