I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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