So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
