omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
