someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
the liver wants what the liver wants
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
