Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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