Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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