I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
