How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
